I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
