dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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