make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
