Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I faked an abortion last night.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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