I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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