i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
