well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
