fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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