Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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