how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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