No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
