the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
