When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize