No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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