Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
