lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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