Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
