get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
