and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
