dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
