We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
