false alarm. still invincible.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think people are normalizing furries
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
