forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
