she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
