Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I will pee on everything he values.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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