i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
