Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
