I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
