My sheets look like a crime scene.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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