I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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