So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
