I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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