Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
