She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
