If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
