I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
