your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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