waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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