put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
