I just found puke in my bra..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
