So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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