My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
