My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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