I never want to see another naked old woman again.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize