I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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