when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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