That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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