It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
