Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize