Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
