atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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