I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
