Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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