Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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