even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
