its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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