my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
