I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
