Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
