I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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