I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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