he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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