if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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