I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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